Trauma Triggers…a Case Study
True story. My partner of nearly two years and I were having an issue a couple of months ago. As we debated whether or not the relationship had a viable future, he suddenly exploded in anger shouting that I would stalk him and show up to social events where I knew he’d be and that he’d call the cops if he had to. I was flabbergasted. His commentary was so out of left field that I just sat there with my mouth hanging open. Where had any of that come from? In our relationship, I’d never given him any reason to be so…defensive. I even said that if he thought that I would do any of those things that he didn’t know me at all.
The situation made sense when I learned that his last relationships had ended roughly. One of his former partners, after cheating on him, started showing up at social events and harassing him. The partner after that wouldn’t stop calling and texting to harass him. He finally did tell her that if she didn’t leave him alone, he would call the police. Geez. No wonder he felt triggered by a disagreement where the prospect of breaking up was on the table.
Despite the fact that it had been years since he’d been with either of his previous partners, the trauma was right there in the present as soon as it was triggered. He wasn’t talking to me; he was letting go on someone else who hurt him years ago. The thing is, this kind of trigger / trauma response isn’t limited to interactions with other people; it’s also deeply embedded in the act of remembering.
When you write about things that have happened to you (such as in memoir), you revisit the emotions that you had when those events transpired. Further, if you’ve ever done any therapy or reading about trauma, the prevailing theory is that trauma embeds itself into our DNA; it becomes part of our basic biology hence why we get so triggered when we try to revisit our pasts.
The Body Keeps Score—Why Writing about Trauma Is Traumatic
A great example about trauma from The Body Keeps Score pertains to a fearful rabbit. Picture a rabbit alone in a meadow. Suddenly, a hungry fox leaps out of nowhere and chases the rabbit through the tall, bladed grass. The rabbit runs as fast as it can, but the fox is still nipping at its heels. Against all odds, though, the rabbit makes it into his hole and burrows deep, out of the fox’s reach.
The rabbit catches his breath and realizes that he’s safe. Suddenly, the rabbit’s body begins to shake violently. It’s as if he’s literally shaking off the traumatic experience of nearly dying. In fact, that’s exactly what the rabbit is doing. His tremors come from the inside-out as his body expels the trauma.
Humans experience traumas all of the time, and instead of expelling them, we retain them. We do not process, accept, and deal with issues on the forefront, which allows them to take over residence in our bodies and to take us back to emotional warzones later.
Mind, I am not talking about “never forgetting” such as when a loved one dies. For example, I will never forget my husband nor will I ever forget everything that he suffered in his final days or how that experience was for me, but for a long time, I couldn’t stop reliving it. If I talked about it, I was back at that hospital, going through those motions. I would come out of a memory and have to reorient myself to my present state and position. It was harrowing.
Trauma also factors into how we react when triggered. Often, when people are triggered, they will go back to a mental or emotional state of being that was prevalent when they experienced the initial trauma. This can also cause people to blow things out of proportion because they are reacting to their trauma and not to the situation. For example, I have a huge fear of abandonment. It stems from childhood but was exacerbated and worsened by my husband’s death. I thus panic disproportionately if my current partner and I disagree and he needs to leave for a while to gather himself because my trauma trigger is telling me that he is never coming back.
So, what does this have to do with writing? Well, often times when we’re writing, we’re writing about events that caused us some kind of trauma (whether we know it or not). This isn’t to say all memoirs are born of tragedies, but a lot are. The deep dive into the memory-sphere can be extremely triggering. It can cause a lot of emotions to bubble to the surface, which can drag you back to a hole.
Some writers write about their dubious past with drug and alcohol and find themselves craving a fix (or falling off the wagon). Others become mentally, emotionally, and physically wiped out. Some get physically ill from revisiting the catacombs of painful past experiences.
As a professor, I’ve witnessed my writing students do two things when dabbling in memoir for the first time.
1. Students will change tense. They will switch from past tense to present tense, which tells me that they are reliving the event in full throttle (and that they didn’t edit).
2. Students will skip details and accelerate the pace. As their adrenaline gets pumping, as they recall the event they’re writing about, they skip important storytelling details because they’re writing their memories as they come rather than planning the story and what details matter out. (This also tells me they didn’t revise because I’d like to think details skipped in the first draft would emerge in revision.)
I am pretty forgiving, though, because I know that it’s a labor to write memories and for many of my students who have never attempted memoir, the first draft is usually harrowing enough. Still, I’m always grateful when a polished attempt crosses my word processor.
How to Keep Yourself Safe When Writing about Trauma
So, we can see there are a lot of challenges to you, the writer, when writing about trauma that have nothing to do with writing itself. Rather, the challenge is in preserving your mental and emotional health. Here are some things you can and should do when writing a memoir and when writing sections of that memoir that bring up big feelings.
1. Plan ahead on days you know you’ll be working on difficult material. Set aside some personal time and have some comfort items like a pillow or a cup of tea or a stuffed animal nearby to lean on when the writing itself is difficult.
2. Give yourself breaks as needed.
3. Take half an hour afterward (or however much time you need) to out-process the relived trauma. Take a walk or meditate. Remind yourself that you are here and everything is okay and that you are safe. There are lots of apps with yogis and gurus who do guided meditations that can help you (Tara Brach is a personal favorite.)
4. Stop if you need to stop. No one has a gun to your head (I assume) forcing you to finish your section or chapter in one belt.
5. Outline and stick to details. While you’re going to be in the throes emotionally, try to create some distance as the narrator who is telling the story and from you, the person who experienced the thing you’re writing about. I tell my students to view themselves as a character in their creative nonfiction stories not as “them” now. This has shown to help many open up about difficult things because it’s as if it’s happening to someone else.
Keep in mind that you won’t always be able to predict what and when you will have hard feelings in your writing. Sometimes, we write about things and we surprise ourselves by how much something hurts (my issues with my emotionally-avoidant father are a good example) no matter how much time has passed or how much we have moved forward. When you step on an emotional landmine, take a break and employ some of the above strategies or some you come up with on your own to keep your mental health prioritized.
You may now be asking why you need to read this…why is this important? The reason is that many memoirists go into their project with the idea that they are going to write a story about something that happened. They fail to account how reliving their live will impact them in the present; further, many don’t even realize the reality of how trauma embeds itself and how it can resurface.
If you have PTSD or are in recovery from an addiction, you will need to be extra vigilant as you wander down the roads to yester-year. Lurking around each corner is a trigger and a possible temptation. The more prepared you are, the more successful your venture. Importantly, you aren’t a failure if you do slip and fall off the road as you relive the tale you tell.
Photo credit: Milada Vegerova via Unsplash